Some of what I gleaned from my recent counseling session:

There are boundaries that act as clear markers telling you: “This is when it is time to leave.“ when they or you have gone too far. Those boundaries are:

-          You physically hurt me or attempt to do so

-          You physically restrain me from leaving the situation

-          You threaten me with physical harm

-          You force me to have sex with you

-          You do any of these things to the children

Just below this line are boundaries that, when crossed, validate consideration for a separation or divorce. In these cases, you have to decide when enough is enough. See Doctrine and Covenants 98:23-32. Remember that, although we are commanded to forgive all men, forgiveness does not necessitate tolerance and endurance of neglect and/ or abusive behavior against you or your children. Forgiveness is a matter of the heart. With the Lords help, you can forgive your spouse, even if you separate yourself from them through divorce. This is what the Lord expects when he says “of you it is required to forgive all men.” If a person takes out a loan from you, and does not repay you, you are required to forgive them and love them, but you are not required to give them another loan. You have the choice to decline their petition. The same is true in marriage relationships. Forgiveness does not equal endlessly enduring broken promises and being abused or taken advantage of. The Lord loves you and you are entitled to a fair deal, where both you and your spouse keep their end of the bargain.  “Husband and Wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and their children…Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations…By divine design, Fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation [to these roles]. Extended family should lend support when needed.” (The family: a Proclamation to the World)  Behaviors validating divorce or separation are:

-          You repeatedly (see D&C 98) break your promises, fail to live up to your marital and parental responsibilities, break temple covenants and will not acknowledge your fault and seek help to change. Responsibilities and Temple Covenants include:

1. Having appropriate sexual relations (as mutually agreed upon) with your spouse and not having them with anybody else. A spouse can expect sexual relations 2 or 3 times a week or as mutually agreed upon.
2. Live the Word of Wisdom. Do not drink alcohol, coffee, tea or use tobacco and do practice principles of good health. Avoid other addictive behaviors like viewing pornography.
3. Sacrifice your time and talents to bless and serve and provide for your family and others, as established by God in The Family: a Proclamation to the World, and as mutually agreed upon. This includes not becoming excessive with hobbies, interests, outside relationships or entertainment to the extent that you neglect your responsibilities and deprive your spouse and children of your companionship (either physically or mentally,) friendship, love and support. (video games, facebook, etc.)
4. Upholding family practices of and participation in worship and reverence as mutually agreed upon. This includes what films and other entertainment is allowed in the home as well as prayer, scripture study, church attendance and so forth.
5. Having conversation that is uplifting and edifying. This means that you do not speak evil of or degrade/ humiliate/ intimidate/ mock/ or criticize others. It also means that you let others express their thoughts and opinions in an emotionally safe environment. It also means that you express yourself and are willing to talk about and work out problems and do not abuse and manipulate others with your silence.  It also means that you express love and praise and approval of others.

Below this line are behaviors that need to be worked out and do not validate divorce. These are the behaviors that are spoken of as making “that first year hard” for everyone. Sometimes it’s longer, or shorter or delayed or avoided depending on each couple. All marriages require a good deal of give and take and a lot of compromise, getting over it, learning to live with it and eventually not noticing it anymore. Behaviors that are a normal part of all relationships can be categorized as:

-          You annoy/ irritate me (you snore, gulp loudly, leave your clothes on the floor, don’t put down the toilet seat, etc.)

-          We have different interests (You want to go snow-boarding and I want to go to the ballet, etc.)

-          We have different personalities (You avoid confrontation and I just want to get the job done; you are serious and I joke around a lot, etc.)

-          We do things differently (I wash the counters with a dish cloth, you use a sponge, etc.)

-          We disagree (I want to live in the city, you want to live in the country, etc.)

The purpose of marriage is three-fold: First, to provide you (and me) with a companion and friend with whom we can walk through life and receive strength from and strengthen in our turn; second to provide a safe and stable environment in which children can be brought into the world and reared in love and righteousness; third, to protect against sexual sin.  If your marriage is not fulfilling its purpose, and the problems cannot be resolved through counseling or other help (generally because one or both of you are not willing to work toward a resolution and/ or fulfill your marriage covenants) then the Lord will not condemn you for seeking a divorce. “My grace is sufficient for you.” “It is by grace the we are saved, after all we can do.”  The Lord loves you, and his hand of grace and mercy will lift you up as you live your covenants and turn to him for help.

Sometimes you see things or read things or hear things that change your life. I had one of those times today. I realized something about myself and knew that I needed to change right now! Not tomorrow. Not next week. Today. But I didn’t know how. It was one of those things that is so hard to change because it hurts too much, it really just takes the hand of grace reaching down and fixing it for you, just because you asked him to. That’s how it was today, a complete change of heart and a new feeling of peace and happiness. I’m grateful for grace, for the love of God, just because he made me and not because I deserve it. I love him for it.

On a different note, after much thought and journal writing, I finally figured out what’s been eating me, and I’m now, finally, very very excited to move and experience all of the changes and challenges ahead (and have all my dreams of land and gardens and farm houses come true!) and live here for a long time…

On another different note, do you think that God laughs? I’m fairly certain I hear him laughing at me everyday and I think he might send angels down to pull pranks on me and then I hear a whole chorus of laughter. It makes me laugh, too, so I’m okay with being teased by sneaky little angels, but I feel like it’s a little bit unfair because I can’t fight back very well. But I do a pretty good job whining and sassing which makes up for my deficiencies in other areas. I’m pretty sure I’m the most irreligious God fearing woman I know, but I’m working on it. Sort of. I actually think that God is pretty fond of me the way that I am, he just wants to run me through the fire at a thousand degrees a few hundred times to work out any impurities. It’s awesome. Then he jokes about later, and I laugh, too.  “Remember that time you were trying to cross the Mexican border and you were temporarily paralyzed from the neck down and your pants started falling off as your husband dragged you through customs. ha ha ha, ho ho, hee hee hee.” he’s says. “Yeah, I remember,” I reply. “Oh, that was a good one!” and he wipes a tear from his eye. I do love laughing. Maybe that’s why God sticks with me in spite of my repeated blunders: everybody loves a person who will laugh at their jokes, or at themselves, or just because laughing is fun (but not make fun of other people, because that isn’t funny, it just hurts peoples feelings. There’s a fine line.) I think that that is pretty much what God was trying to teach me all along: Lighten up, don’t take yourself so seriously, life is funny, even when it’s hard. Sometimes it so hard, it’s just ridiculous, and you just have to laugh, and sometimes (like right now) I’m just deliriously tired and my kids asking for a drink makes me laugh that crazy little laugh that often coincides with an eye twitch…That’s why I’m going to be done typing now, and just go to sleep.

Good Night.

XoxxOOxoXXoooooXx

“…my life is good. real good.”

I am one of those people that loves change but gets totally insecure about myself during major life changes, like buying a house and moving to a new town in a new type of subdivision (a farm) and changing wards, stakes, missions and jobs which will change church callings and work schedules and hours dad spends away from home and such while saying goodbye to all my friends and acquaintances to live where I don’t know a single solitary person. You know, just the basics. At this point, I start to reevaluate my life and figure out what I want to keep and what I want to get rid of. I do it with my stuff, too. Always dejunking. I decided this morning (and cleared it with the committee) that I’m going to leave the computer packed away for the first three months after we move. It just has to be that way for now. I need time to unplug, clear my head and get settled into our new life with a new emphasis on faith and family…and home school. I came up with a plan and I’m really wanting to devote a good portion of my time to the kids schooling including teaching them life and homemaking skills. I’m really excited about it, but something had to go to make room in my schedule…Goodbye blog. sniff…Because we don’t have a TV, keeping the computer packed away will mean no movies, too. {Gulp.} I’ve been using the put-the-kids-in-front-of-a-movie-so-I-can-get-things-done tactic far more often than I care to admit. It’s time to change.  Fortunately, I bought several books on CD that will fill the gap a little. The kids love listening to them while they draw and paint and practice their handwriting. They should help me keep my sanity while we make these transitions. I actually think that it will really help all of us to unplug for a while, we get cranky and frazzled when we watch too many movies. So, goodbye to my virtual friends, it’s time to make real ones again. Starting next week.

I’m pretty sure that I come to a new realization about every 20 minutes. At least when I’m awake. For example, I just made the conclusion that if I were to give my kids all the duct tape they want and scraps of paper and thread, it would be more effective at bringing out their creativity than all the oil paints and pastels created. (too bad I didn’t realize this before Christmas, eh. ) The things those gremlins make out of duct tape is amazing.

The other day, I came to the realization that swearing is, in fact, bad. I know. I should have come to this realization a long time ago, and I have to admit that I’ve had to remind myself at least 20 times since that I came to this conclusion, but I’m honestly starting to believe it. The clencher: my three year old dropping something and saying “D*@! it.” Cripes. Now I have guilt…But, I like playing the “you’re freakin’ cute.” “no, you’re freakin’ cute.” game with him. …But, I’m not sure that I like it when he says, “I’m so freakin’ mad!” Oh, man. You see, I’ve been going back and forth with the virtue vs. the vice of swearing, and my final conclusion is: the bad outweighs the good, so I’m going to stop. No matter how funny and appropriate I think that it would be to toss out a swear word here and there, I’m not going to do it. Or, at least, I’m going to apologize and correct myself until I finally break the habit completely. There. Now it’s official, and you can hold me to it.

Another realization that I came to is that I need a pick-me-up everyday. I tried to go off chocolate again, and I lasted for 2 weeks and could have gone longer but I just started to get so cranky and began losing my no-swearing resolve and felt tired and a little bit depressed, so I ate chocolate again. But, I really don’t want to be dependent on caffeine, and I was thinking, as I was going through this weird cycle of emotions related to caffeine withdrawals and releasing suppressed emotions, that I really don’t suppress a lot of emotions anymore (You may have noticed that I say what’s on my mind. ) but caffeine gives me that little extra push that gets me through the day. Interestingly, unlike the last time I gave up chocolate (for two months, but had an insatiable craving for cigarettes so went back to the caffeine), this time I didn’t crave chocolate or other substances at all, I just had an unshakable urge to run as fast and as hard as I could until I passed out. Hmm. We’ve already discussed why I can’t actually do that, but I was thinking that I might actually be able to give up chocolate if I start a regular (daily) aerobic exercise routine again. My conclusion is that exercise will give me the high that I need and then I can kick the caffeine, for good! So, the first thing that I’m purchasing is a Tony Little Gazelle, because it’s too cold right now to just go walking. I had one a couple of years ago and I really liked it. Low impact, but got my heart racing. Just what I’m looking for. We didn’t have room for it when we moved, but we will when we move into our new house, so I’m going to buy one (off craigslist, hopefully) and use it everyday. I really will, too. I’m good at exercising, when I can do it. And I can do it now! Hooray!

My final realization for this morning: I like reading the scriptures. Okay. I actually really struggle getting myself to do it everyday. There are so many other things to think about, but, today, I realized that I really do like it and I just need to pick them up and start reading and I’ll love it. I learn so much and it’s all good stuff that gives me the faith and courage and knowledge that I need to get through the day and stop being afraid of the future and change my sinful ways and such. For example, today I read first nephi chapter twenty two (I think, it was the last chapter in the book) and it talked about how the Lord would preserve the righteous even if it is by fire. It said it several times, like someone knew my thoughts and that I was feeling afraid and discouraged because of all that is going on in the world and in congress and wondering what the future holds and what will happen to my children. When I read my scriptures this morning, I just knew that God was watching over me and that He’s working things out. I just need to be obedient and prepared temporally with food storage and working to pay off my debts and such, and he’ll take of me. That relieved my mind quite a bit today. Also, I had a thought that went something like this: “They think that they can take away your freedom of choice, but they didn’t give it to you in the first place, God did, and he can preserve it for you. You’ll always be free to choose good.” Then I felt like there are things that I can do to help God out here and so I’m going to do them and leave the rest to him. That’s what I’m doing today, along with packing and cleaning…the unpacking is coming up! woot woot. (I’m excited!)

It all happened so fast, I still feel dazed. I was standing at the back door, combing my wet hair and watching the sunrise cast hues of pink and orange on the field behind our house when something caught my eye. It was near the edge of the field, just off our back yard. It bobbed up and down and back and forth. My heart started racing as I thought of all the possibilities. A baby lamb whose mother died? No, lambs don’t live in the forest and there aren’t any farmers around. Hmm. A baby deer? No. Too small to be a deer. A baby fox? Yes. Maybe. Or a baby rabbit or a kitten. I love kittens! Maybe my kitty had kitties!! Sneaky little girl. Oh, what could it be? I watched a little longer. It moved, then held still, then bobbed up and down again. I stood as long as I could then raced to the bedroom and put my sweats on, pulled my hood over my wet hair, slipped on some shoes and grabbed a small towel from the pile of laundry that has been sitting on my bedroom floor for…well, a long time…As I raced back to my position at the sliding glass door, the thought crossed my mind that it might be a rabid little something. *Hard Gulp* “What if it’s a rabid baby fox?” I asked myself. “It might attack me as I’m trying to rescue it.” I stood at the door, looking on. The creature was still there, but crouched down in the grass. Hmm. “What should I do? It’s very cold outside, and the little baby thing might die on a bitter cold day like today.” I told myself. Mustering up all the courage that I had inside, I grabbed a large wooden mallet used for hitting sisters (aka my sons toy rifle), and ventured out into the cold: to the rescue. A few deer had migrated into the field for breakfast and they stopped and watched me from a safe distance. I hid the rifle behind my back so as not to scare them, then I crouched down and slowly moved across the yard. I reached the barn and stopped for a minute to see if I could determine the species. It looked all crumpled up and feeble. Maybe it was a squirrel with an amputated limb. Sad! I crept closer and closer until I was finally upon my suffering little creature…What the?…My cheeks may have turned crimson as I picked up the culprit: a very large maple leaf, rustling in the breeze. Dang it! I think it was rabid, though, it almost bit my foot. The deer spectators started laughing at me…so I shot them with my rifle…then my husband shot me with his iphone. I came back into the house a little dejected, though giggling, as I had been imagining all the fun that I would have today, and for a few weeks, nursing my new little baby back to health, and acknowledging that all that I really have ahead of me for the next month is a lot of packing and cleaning and unpacking…sigh…Oh well, I guess I can still imagine horses and puppies and kittens, oh my…while I’m packing and cleaning and unpacking…

My husband keeps asking me how I plan to decorate when we move in, and I respond, “well, I think two strips of electric tape is more aesthetically pleasing than one, but I’m not particular about the posts…the red siding could use some sprucing up, and we’ll have to put up some new stalls.” The problem with having land is that now I want to fill it. Two horses, boy and girl, so they can have babies. And another dog. Non-shedding. To sleep inside so that I can sleep at night. (weird, I know) and some kittens, for the mice, of course. (don’t tell the mice.:))…Anyway, packing, cleaning and unpacking. Check.

I had one of those moments yesterday when it really hit me that I’m not living up to my privileges. I browsed through several food blogs, trying to get an idea for something that I wanted to make. The first line of one of the blog posts was “It seems like everyone I know has been personally effected in some way by cancer.” Yeah…hmm…I started thinking about where I’ve been and where I’m going, what I’ve learned, and what I’m doing with what I’ve learned. I have been praying lately that God would help me to know why I’m feeling frustrated with myself, what’s holding me back or making me feel insecure. After reading my scriptures, things started to come together. There’s a verse that kind of changed the course of my life 5 years ago, and I came across it again yesterday: “And God sent fiery flying serpents among them; and after they had been bitten he prepared a way that they might be healed; and the labor which they had to perform was to look; and because of the simpleness of the way, or the easiness of it, there were many who perished.” I read that scripture when I was praying about whether or not I should believe and act on the things that I was reading about nutritional and natural medicine as the way to a renewal of health for me. It seemed too simple, too easy to be true. I learned that simple and easy is Gods favorite way to work…Fast forward 5 years and a thousand more things learned. What am I doing with all this knowledge? Not joking, I’ve spent as much time learning about and practicing natural medicine as my husband has dentistry. I spent every moment, spare and otherwise, learning about how to heal the human body, starting with my own. But I’ve learned something about myself, I’ve realized that I like having friends. I’ve also realized that food is a big part of socializing and people get really awkward around me when I’m eating healthy foods, or not eating at all, and they are indulging in rich, delicious, not healthy foods. Not all people, but most. The more honest ones completely embrace their choice to indulge and are just fine with and even joke around about my choice not to, and we stay good friends. I don’t feel judgmental about what other people choose to eat, but it creates awkward moments all the same. I don’t like to create awkward moments, so I’ve not been completely living the way that I know I should. What’s more, I can’t deny the fact that I’m pretty wary of traditional medical practice, even in dentistry, or the fact that I’ve seen some amazing even miraculous things happen in my life and others using natural and alternative medicine. Having a husband and brother in medical professions gives me lots of opportunity to socialize with other medical professionals, and that’s really awkward. I mostly keep my mouth shut on the subject. That’s the problem, though. Keeping my mouth shut…You know when you have been given a gift or a talent, something that sets you apart from others and makes you special. Secretly, you love the special things about you, but the fact that they’re unique also makes you cautious about sharing them. You don’t want somebody to laugh at you and criticize you and make you feel bad about what you have and who you are. Right? I don’t think I’m the only person out there who wants to be enthusiastically approved of for all my cool and quirky talents and way of life. Anyway, I’ve been living below my privileges for good health. I know better. What I know has not been consistent with what I have been doing or what I have been saying…About a year ago, I started to really reach out and try to share what I know, but I got tired and discouraged, like I said in a previous post. So I let things slip here and there. In reviewing my life at the beginning of a New Year, I can see that a lot of my frustration is directly related to the fact that I am not living up to and making the most of the gifts and knowledge that God has given me. So, I’m starting again…I learned some things last year that will change the way I do things. First, I hate running a blog. I hate social media and programming and everything about running a blog, except writing. I like writing. Second, I really just want to write for people who are really looking for help with their lifestyles and medical problems. Those are things that I know about and people that I can relate to. So, I’m not going to run this blog any more, starting in March, I think. I’m going to move everything over to my originalfastfoods.com blog and work over there. They have the audience that I’m writing for, and all I have to do is write. Just what I want. Furthermore, I’m ready to start opening up about more than just nutritional medicine. I love herbal medicine, homeopathic medicine, asian medicine and energy medicine, too. They are so cool! I’m ready to share what I know and live it, again. …My first experiment is in the works: operation fix my cavity. Lets see if it works, shall we.

I have strep throat. I almost decided to take a sick day yesterday, but then I employed an old tactic and got my house cleaned anyway: bribery. I cleaned my room and the kitchen and the kids cleaned the rest of the house, for 12 m&m’s each. Ha. It pays to deprive your children of candy, it makes them value it more. My kids will, usually, eat any amount of vegetables or clean any messy room for a small handful of candy. I love that. I need to use it more often. I got them to eat what I made for dinner,too, including their steamed green beans using the same tactic…Now that my house is clean, I really want to take that sick day, I haven’t had a sore throat like this in years. I’m wishing that I could take something for pain, but I can’t (or won’t or whatever), so I’ve been drinking lots of hot herbal tea instead. Yum. I got the throat coat with licorice root. It smells and tastes heavenly. Mmmhmm. I wish I could go back to bed, but all my efforts would be wasted if I let the kids roam free. bleh…I guess I’ll work on that dress I’ve been making…Oh yeah, I have been getting up before 6 every day for 9 days in a row, even with strep throat. I’m pretty proud of myself. I haven’t done that in years. Probably since being married or at least having multiple children. And, I’ve been living by a meal plan schedule, too. woot woot. Maybe I don’t hate New Year resolutions after all. They make January a really good month every year!

My talk on Sunday went well. Well, sort of. My throat hurt so badly and I was really nervous and stumbled over my words quite a bit, and my son kept yelling out for me and just yelling in general, but other than that it went well. I used my talk for Family Home Evening last night. I found a good video on LDS.org that we finished the lesson off with. I think I liked fhe better than the original. Kid 1 was really feeling things and I loved that. She asked lots of good questions and even had tears in her eyes as she experienced new spiritual feelings. Kid 2 asked random and off the wall questions and rolled around on the floor acting like a snake. Kid 3 fell asleep on top of dad. 1 out of 3 isn’t too bad, eh.

I woke up this morning and remembered that I have to speak in church tomorrow. I’ve been thinking a lot about my topic, but I haven’t written anything down yet. Well, at least not much. At the beginning of last year I spoke in church as well. Interestingly, my topic then was similar to my topic now. Last year I was assigned to speak on the topic, “The Spirit of God Like a Fire is Burning.” It was a good talk and I learned a lot as I prepared it. I remember that the words “Like a Fire” really stood out to me as I pondered on the subject. It reminded me of an experience that I had had while living with my parents during the fall of 2011. We had just graduated from Dental School and were at that in between stage, looking for jobs. We lived between my parents house and my husbands parents house for almost 6 months. It was rough and I was getting tired. Life had been rough ever since I got married for a lot of reasons. One night the power went out while we were asleep. It had already started to snow that year and it was cold outside. I guess that the power was out for quite a while, because I woke up and it was very cold and very dark in our room. We were living in the basement, and there literally wasn’t any light at all. I felt something on my face and it scared me. When I finally got myself re-oriented, I realized that it was my own hand and I removed it. I got up and opened the door to a very dark and silent hallway. Having lived in this house for the majority of my life, I knew my way around and so felt my way down the hall, through the family room, up the stairs through the kitchen and back into the laundry room where we kept our flashlights. I finally found one that worked and then proceeded to change the batteries in the other ones so that other people could use them. After checking on the kids, I stood in the downstairs hallway for a minute, debating whether or not I would go back to sleep. I thought of my children and knew that they would be afraid when they woke up in the dark. They would cry and I would be asleep and not hear them. They would be cold, too. I stood there a minute more, feeling tired all over. Then I had a distinct impression that has, in fact, been a driving force for me all through the difficulties this year. “Candice, if you go to sleep, your children will be left alone in the dark. They won’t know where to go or what to do. They’ll be afraid and disoriented.” I took a deep breath and decided that it was time to be awake now. I went into the family room and fumbled around at the fireplace. I had never built a fire before, but I had seen it done. It took a few minutes and even more matches, but I finally got a good blaze going. I shut the door to the stove and sat on the couch looking at the fire. It lit up the whole room and down the hall to the door of the children’s bedroom. After a few minutes, the room was warm and comfortable and the warmth traveled throughout the house. One by one, people started to wake up. My children found me on the couch and cuddled close to me as we looked into the fire and found comfort in its light and warmth.

I didn’t know the struggles that were ahead of me then, but God did and does. I’ve thought about that simple experience countless times this year. I’ve walked through it in my mind over and over again. The initial fear of being in the dark. Then the need to face my fear and get up and out of bed and walk through a perfectly dark house, not being able to see an inch in front of my face. Trusting the things that I had once known and hoping that they were still true, that the light was still there where it had always been. Finding the light that gave me visibility and comfort, but not warmth. Recognizing that I was the only one in the house holding a light at the time and the need for me to hold on to that light so that others could find their way and not be lost, confused or afraid. Knowing what I could do to get both light and warmth back into the house and the feelings of fatigue and uncertainty about my ability to do it. Then, the little surge of energy from the Lord that was enough to give me the strength to do what needed to be done. Once it was done, it only required the addition of a log every now and then to keep things burning brightly, but the work necessary to get there seemed daunting and overwhelming when I already felt so tired and so alone. I felt that way many times throughout the years, but more this year than any other. So tired and so alone. Tired of loving when I’m not loved back. Tired of being served when it wasn’t for me or about me in the first place. Tired of being greeted with a frown and a list of all the things that went wrong that day. Tired of the hypocrisy and the filth. Tired of fighting the good fight when I’m the only one fighting. I could feel myself slipping and falling, ready to give in, ready to give up. I was slowly being dragged down. During the Christmas season, I had several thoughts of good things that I could do to help other people. I would be excited and determined to do them for a few minutes, but then the tiredness would come back, and I’d say what’s the use. One night, about a week before Christmas, I had a dream about my family. It was night time, and I was asleep. I woke up and realized that something was wrong with the children. They weren’t safe, but I couldn’t see why. I expressed this to my husband, but he rolled his eyes and went back to sleep. That was it. The dream ended and I woke up. It was four in the morning, and my husband was just coming to bed. I tried to talk to him about my dream, but he was, by that time, too tired to talk. I felt so frustrated. I went out of the bedroom and sat on the couch, thinking about that dream and feeling tired. I prayed. Then I had one of those special experiences that I can’t really describe, but can’t forget either. A warm feeling came over me, and I knew that God knew me and loved me and wanted me to be happy. I knew that he knew my struggles and my husbands struggles and our children and their struggles and all that I hoped for them. The comfort and warmth and light that illuminated me in that moment gave me a renewal of strength and hope in Jesus Christ and the power that he could give me to overcome all things and continue to fight the good fight, and hope that God would help me work out my life and fix the things that were wrong. Everything changed inside of me. Then I had a thought that came almost like a whisper, “Be not weary in well doing, little one.” Don’t give up. Don’t quit. Don’t go to sleep. I felt like the child and I wanted to bury my head into the chest of my father and be rocked to sleep. He held me for a few minutes and then it was time to be awake and doing. There were families that needed toys, and families that needed blankets and food. My own children needed magic and joy on Christmas morning, and I was going to provide it for them. The words of my dad, “99% of all worthwhile things done in this life are done by people who are too tired to do them,” came to my mind and I decided that, since I was going to be breathing anyway, I might as well be doing the worthwhile things. I found that as I got going and doing the good things again, the tiredness went away and I felt happy and energetic. The spirit of Christmas infused my soul and I had strength to make turn my good intentions into reality.

As I’ve thought about my talk for tomorrow, “The Purpose of The Holy Ghost,” I’ve pondered on the spirit of Christ or Christmas. The purpose of the Holy Ghost is to testify and to give power to us to testify of Jesus Christ. The testimony of Jesus Christ can be shared and received in many ways, but the most effective way is the way that Christ testified of himself in the service that He gave and the life that He lived. We likewise testify of Christ when we feel love for God the Father and for his children, our fellow men, and that love inspires us to acts of selfless service in their behalf. I wrote before that I had been thinking about a phrase, “Maintain the integrity of the gift,”  for a few days. I still have, and the gift that I have been thinking of is the gift of the Testimony of Jesus Christ that comes by the power of the Holy Ghost. The thought has come to my mind several times that the spirit of Christ is a spirit of Freedom while the spirit of the devil is a spirit of oppression. The image that comes to my mind when I think of freedom is that of a man riding a horse with his arms stretched out to the sky, head thrown back and a smile on his face. The image that I have of oppression is of a man working day in and day out with heavy chains thrown over his body and shackles on his wrists and ankles. Man was not made for oppression, but for freedom. The scriptures say that man was created in the image of God the father and his only begotten son and that god is a god of power, strength, love, virtue, mercy, wisdom and justice. If man was created in the image of God, we can assume that he was also endowed with the qualities and characteristics of God as well. There is an account of Moses’ experience seeing and talking with God that is recorded in the Book of Moses in the Pearl of Great Price.

“And God spake unto Moses, saying: Behold, I am the Lord God, Almighty…and, behold, thou art my son…and I have a work for thee, Moses, my son; and thou art in the image of mine Only Begotten; and mine Only Begotten is and shall be the Savior…but there is no God beside me, and all things are present with me, for I know them all.” Then Moses sees the world  and all the children of men “which are and which were created and he marveled greatly.” When the vision was over and he regained his strength, Moses awoke and marveled again at the greatness of God and the nothingness of mans ways and wisdom. And “Satan came tempting him, saying: Moses, son of man, worship me. And it came to pass that Moses looked on Satan and said: Who art thou? For behold, I am a son of God, in the similitude of his Only Begotten; and where is thy glory that I should worship thee? For behold, I could not look upon God, except his glory should come upon me, and I were transfigured before him, but I can look upon thee with my natural eyes…Blessed be the name of my God for his Spirit has not altogether withdrawn from me, or else where is thy glory, for it is darkness unto me? And I can judge between thee and God; for God said unto me: Worship God, for him only shalt thou serve. Get thee hence, Satan: deceive me not; for God said unto me; Thou art after the similitude of mine only begotten…I will not cease to call upon God, I have other things to inquire of him…Depart hence, Satan. And now, when Moses had said these words, Satan cried with a loud voice, and ranted upon the earth, and commanded, saying: I am the Only Begotten, worship me. And Moses began to fear; and as he began to fear, he saw the bitterness of hell. Nevertheless, calling upon God, he received his strength, and he commanded, saying; Depart from me, Satan, for this one God only will I worship, which is the God of glory. And now Satan began to tremble, and the earth shook; and Moses received strength, and called upon God, saying: In the name of the Only Begotten, depart hence, Satan. And it came to pass that Satan cried with a loud voice, with weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth: and he departed hence, even from the presence of Moses.” After this, Moses looked into Heaven and saw god upon his throne, and heard his voice, saying: “Blessed art thou, Moses, for I, the Almighty, have chosen thee, and thou shalt be made stronger than many waters…and thou shalt deliver my people from bondage.”

Man was not made for oppression, but for freedom…In the beginning, man was with God, but not like him, God having a body and knowledge and experience, having conquered evil and become good. The very essence of God is goodness. God desired that we should be like him, knowing good from evil by our own experiences, and choosing good by love of that which is good. So, he proposed a plan and prepared a place for us, the earth. Knowing that we would make mistakes, God prepared a Savior who would be endowed with the power to take upon himself our sins and the sins committed against us by others that would make us filthy. This Savior would redeem us from the blood and sins of the world in which we would live and he would make us clean, bringing us back into the presence of God, “for no unclean thing can dwell with God.” “But there was another, who sought for the honor divine.” Satan, who tempted Moses to worship him, wanted the glory of God to be his and so proposed himself to be this Savior, but he changed the plan. His plan was a plan of compulsion: I will make them choose right and not one will be lost. God, knowing that there is no real goodness–and so no godliness–without freedom of choice, condemned Satan for his deceit and cast him and those who chose to follow the plan of deceit out from his presence to the earth which had been prepared for man, until the day of judgement when hell will be opened and all who work in deceit will be received therein. “Jesus was chosen and as the Messiah he came, conquering evil and death through his glorious name.” The plan of freedom of choice was put into effect and man came to earth to choose between good and evil. And here we are, facing good and evil. Interestingly, the devils self-appointed work on this earth is to enforce his plan of compulsion in our lives as we struggle to choose between good and evil. As with Moses, he is particularly relentless in the lives of those who have been called to liberate the captive and release from bondage those who are chained down. He is oppressive. His spirit is a spirit of oppression.

Like the love and freedom that comes from the spirit of Christ in the actions of those who possess it, oppression or compulsion can be administered in many ways. Today, I had a thought that was something like, “You possess a spirit of oppression when you are unwilling to enthusiastically approve of others.” It got me thinking. I met a girl when I was getting photos taken with my kids. She had lots of tattoos and piercings and such. She had a bit of attitude, too, but was spunky and sassy and I just really liked her right away. In fact, though the tattoos and piercings were completely visible, I didn’t even notice them until my kids started asking her questions about them. I knew that they were there, but they didn’t register in my mind in any sort of negative or positive way, not even after they were called to my attention. She was good-natured about the kids questions and we talked about her tongue ring and how much it hurt and such. The lack of tattoos and piercings on me probably indicated to her that I don’t like those things, and don’t want my kids to have them, but her having them did not in any way prevent me from wholeheartedly approving of her and showing it. I would honestly be more than happy to sip herbal tea and have a nice long chat with her. I could see us being really good friends. As I thought about this, I realized that this is the miracle that God has been trying to work in my life all along. This ability to see others for who they are and not for how they look or talk or act is what God wants me to have. This is what I came her to learn, what we all came here to learn: to choose good over evil. To choose love over hatred or envy or jealousy or pride or arrogance. That is what good is. That is what God is: God is love. But the devil moves about to deceive us. From the account of Moses we can learn a pattern of how he works, and how those who practice deceit work. First, he tries to deceive us by pretending to be good or God or love. Those who do the right things for the wrong reasons, practice deceit. Those who serve others while judging them and secretly being critical of them, practice deceit. Those who say one thing and do another practice deceit. Those who act one way in public and another in private, practice deceit. Those who hold us close but betray us in their hearts and their private actions practice deceit. God does not do anything in secret. If you are tempted to keep your personal life and struggles to yourself and not get the help that you need, you can know for certain that that feeling does not come from God. You don’t have to tell everybody, just the right people. For example, my husband and I have really been struggling lately. Forgiveness was becoming hard earned from my perspective, and I really didn’t want to talk to him ever again. Fear was coming more easily. I felt hopeless and almost like I might go crazy if I kept trying to make it work. Praying didn’t feel effective any more, and I felt like there wasn’t anyone that I could turn to. I really just wanted my dad. Unfortunately, my dad lives far away, and I’m not sure he could do much for me anyway. Then I thought, I should go and see my bishop. After that there were a whole slew of excuses and reasons why I shouldn’t bother him and such that delayed my decision to go, but I finally determined to see him on a Thursday night. I really felt like I needed to see him now, or it would be too late. I don’t know why. Well, I asked my husband if he would go with me, and he said he would. He even made the appointment for us. Before we went, I decided that I really needed to let go of my hurt feelings and talk to him again. I mean, we were talking, but I was distant, guarding myself from being hurt again. I needed to open up and try again. So, I did. Our conversation was good, and he was honest about the things that he had done and understanding of how and why they would hurt me. During our talk, a little bit of warmth started to burn in my chest and I started to open up my heart again. The thought came to me as we discussed things, that part of the reason that he was making wrong choices was because of the oppression that he felt throughout his life. Previously, I had expressed to him my belief that he was repressing strong and passionate feelings and that it would do him good to let them out. A free spirit that is oppressed will rebel in one way or another, and if he wanted to get over his problems, he needed to give honest expression to his feelings. Anyway, we met with the bishop individually and then together. We talked about our struggles and how they were affecting us. Then we both received blessings from the bishop. When my husband was being blessed, the bishop talked about the godly qualities that he possessed from the time of his first creation but had forgotten about or repressed. Strength and power and willingness to stand for Christ were named. I felt the truth of what was said, and remembered several times when I had felt that way about him, that he really was valiant and noble and great. At that time, I realized that his life of oppression had squashed out his spirit of strength and power and kept him from letting go and loving and living passionately. That is what oppression does to people. That is what compulsion does. When we live with people, like parents or spouses, who speak negatively about everything and everyone including us, or are unwilling to praise and compliment and trust and encourage us or are never excited or enthusiastic or inclined to be happy and enjoy laughter filled with good will toward others, we live with a spirit of oppression. In one of our all night discussions this year, I talked to my husband about this. “I am so ready and happy to have you come home at the end of each day. It really squishes all the happiness out of me when I run to the car to greet you and you hardly even put your arms around me, or when I ask you how your day was and you always tell me the million hard things that happened. You want me to be excited about you buying a business, but you haven’t said one thing that is exciting, happy or promising and you’ve enumerated countless reasons why this will be difficult, challenging, exhausting and scary. Hell, don’t buy it then. I don’t want another miserable thing in my life. If you were to come home excited about the most ridiculous and outlandish idea with a firm and tangible belief that you could do it, I would jump in with both feet and help you do it. I just want you to be excited about something.” The negativism is oppressive. It’s a form of compulsion: I want to spread my wings and fly and you throw a chain over my shoulder and pull me back to earth with expressions of concern about my ability to fly or criticisms about the shape of my wings. I want to be happy and you hold me down with words of fear as if to say, “be careful, don’t be too happy, things still might go wrong.”  I want to throw my arms around your neck and love you and laugh with you and live for you, and you hold me at arms length, not letting me get too close or know too much about you. This is oppression, and a lifetime of it really wears on even the best of people.

When negativism isn’t enough to hold a person down, anger and threats are the next tactic employed by the deceiver.  “Satan cried with a loud voice, and ranted and commanded, saying, …worship me.” These outbursts are meant to inspire fear which binds us down as we, like Moses, “see the bitterness of hell.” We wonder, will they really hurt me. I dated a guy like that. He said just enough creepy things to make me wonder if he might actually be completely psychotic. That’s why we dated so long. I wasn’t quite sure that he wouldn’t actually kill me. But, calling on the name of the Lord, like Moses, I received strength and thrust him out of my life. At this point of fear for Moses, it was important to note that he called on god, but that he also had a firm resolve that no matter what happened, no matter what the cost or the struggle, he would serve The God of Glory and nothing and nobody else. This resolve and prayer helped to dispel the fear and when the violence did come, “and the earth shook,” he “received strength” and the power of the Only Begotten was upon him, and God was with him, saying: “In the name of the Only Begotten, Depart hence, Satan.” So, he went away with weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Back to the thought I had earlier about Maintaining the Integrity of The Gift of the testimony of Jesus Christ, it is essential to understand that the gift is given by the power of the Holy Ghost and the Holy Ghost is the spirit of God and the spirit of God is the spirit of Christ and the spirit of Christ is a spirit of Freedom. You cannot maintain the integrity of the gift, whole, complete and undiminished, when you are possessed with or otherwise influenced by a spirit of oppression. You must be free if you are to have a firm and undefiled testimony of Jesus Christ. It is the spirit of freedom that gives you this gift. Freedom of choice was yours from the beginning. If you are oppressed, you must be like Moses and call upon God to help you cast off the spirit of oppression. But let me warn you that the deceiver has another tactic: procrastination. I read the book Amazing Grace this year.  There are several journal entries in it written by William Wilberforce, in which he talks about the spiritual guidance and strength that he received in his calling to end the legal slave trade of the English. The hand of providence was clearly upon him. There is one speech that is particularly made mention of in which he, again, enumerates the great evils of the slave trade and calls upon God and the good in man to end this great evil. Those who were there and recorded their experience with this prophetic speech stated that the debate lasted through the night and as Wilberforce spoke, the spirit of God was upon him so much so that as he came to the climax of his argument, the sun rose and cast its rays through the window in a grand and glorious fashion, illuminating the room as if to say, a new day has come, a day of glory, a day of freedom, a day of God. Everyone felt the power of that moment, and Wilberforce sat down, feeling that this time he had finally won the debate and abolition would be in effect. This time, he would be successful. But in came the deceiver with his flattering words and fair promises of peace. The opposing side stood and while acknowledging the integrity of the cause and the strength of character of his opponent, he proposed the gradual abolition of the slave trade, to preserve the peace and cause less friction and less uproar. Being afraid to lose the support of their districts, members of the parliament, forsook their honor and their consciences and adopted the plan of gradual abolition, saying to themselves, it will be for the best for everyone, forgetting the reason for abolition in the first place, that is, to save the lives of men, women and children who were being kidnapped and carried away to a life, if they survived the journey, of torture and oppression. Yes, they were deceived, and the lives of those who were in their hands is on their heads. Likewise, the testimonies of those who are in your care, rests on your shoulders, including your own testimony. The same is true for me, that’s why I need to stay awake. I need to fight the good fight. I need to protect the innocent and helpless and preserve the light in my own house so that it can then be a light to my community and my country and the world. I need to preserve the spirit of Freedom in my own heart, which is the spirit of God.

Be not Afraid, God is with thee.

Deuteronomy 20:1

My husband had a weekend class and I had a ton of work to do around the house, so I decided to go do a photo session with my kids. Yep, procrastinating the inevitable. They grow up so fast, you know, and I’ve been feeling a bit self-conscious lately being nearly 30 and all, so I felt like I just needed to embrace the new and aging mom in me by photographing things as they really are (well, digitally enhanced, of course.) I’m sure when I’m almost 40 I’ll look back and think “Dang, I looked good. What was I so worried about?” But that’s only because I’ll have made progress on the swearing issue by then.

It just hit me. We bought a house. A beautiful house. A house that we will stay in for a long time (assuming that the world doesn’t end, of course. ) I was sitting here, thinking about perusing different types of seams for the wedding dress that I am making (one of my goals, remember), but actually catching up on a few pretty blogs that I occasionally look at (I rarely actually read blogs, just look at photos) when the world came crashing down on me. “YOU BOUGHT A HOUSE, CANDICE!!!!….and you’re moving in less than three weeks.” WHOA! wait a minute. Then my heart started racing, my head spinning and I got kind of sick. I’ve been wanting to live in the country on land for so long, now that it’s happening, I’m second guessing myself…okay, breathe. :0 I think that hoping and wishing for something, planning and preparing for it makes your expectations higher, you know. I don’t think that I doubt the house and the land and the joy of it, I just wonder about myself. Can I do this? Can I really be all that I want to be? Can I really take care of it all? Am I good enough. Oh man. I don’t know. I feel this pit in my stomach from anticipation. I feel like my whole life is about to change FOREVER! It’s a mix between excitement and terror, but mostly excitement. I guess I’ll learn to be good enough…hopefully. I’m looking down at myself, leggings, striped tunic and black fuzzy cardigan with curled hair and a fake tan and am wondering if I’m really up to shoveling manure and saddling horses. I think I am. Maybe. I used to be tough. In high school. I’m feeling kind of wimpy right now, though. But I’ll get tough again. [insert grunting and chest pounding]

On another note, did I tell you that I have some of the coolest friends. I’m making a wedding dress, as you already know, and I’m not necessarily a seamstress. To make it more complicated, I didn’t buy a wedding dress pattern, because I couldn’t find a cute one.  I just bought a party dress pattern that needed length added to it and a train and some room to breath (I think it was made for a 100 pound woman, which I am not). Well, I cut out the pattern and tried to work with it, but just ended up getting frustrated and almost caved to the temptation to go eat a bag of chocolate and watch a movie instead (2 of my three new year resolutions ) when my friend texted me and asked how I was doing. Coincidence, I think not! She is a stay-at-home mom of 5 wild (like mine) and adorable kids (cuter than mine. ) and also happens to have a degree in fashion design. When I told her my predicament, she came right over and helped (meaning I held her baby while she did the work) me alter the pattern and turn it into something that I think I would actually wear (it all depends on the seamstress now. eek.) She’s so cool. She taught me how to do it myself, too, and now I’m starting to think like a designer. Sort of. I love cool friends…and I’m not just saying that because I want to butter up all of my cool friends so that they will come and help me pack, either. I’m going to miss my friends. (when I say friends, what I really mean is friend, but she has such a diversity of talents that I feel like I have a plethora of friends. I’m going to miss my one friend.)

Okay. Now I’m just procrastinating. I really shouldn’t be blogging, I should be dress making and house packing. I really shouldn’t be dress making, either, but the thought of devoting all of my time to packing is depressing, so I have to keep something else on the front burner to keep me happy. I can totally pack in a weekend, right?

Do your kids want to eat multiple times day? This dinner thing keeps coming up and it’s really starting to bug me. Alright, dinner first then finish cutting out my dress.