Some of what I gleaned from my recent counseling session:
There are boundaries that act as clear markers telling you: “This is when it is time to leave.“ when they or you have gone too far. Those boundaries are:
- You physically hurt me or attempt to do so
- You physically restrain me from leaving the situation
- You threaten me with physical harm
- You force me to have sex with you
- You do any of these things to the children
God, the Church and the law of the land have no tolerance for these things, and neither should you. If it happens once, it’s time to leave.
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Just below this line are boundaries that, when crossed, validate consideration for a separation or divorce. In these cases, you have to decide when enough is enough. See Doctrine and Covenants 98:23-32. Remember that, although we are commanded to forgive all men, forgiveness does not necessitate tolerance and endurance of neglect and/ or abusive behavior against you or your children. Forgiveness is a matter of the heart. With the Lords help, you can forgive your spouse, even if you separate yourself from them through divorce. This is what the Lord expects when he says “of you it is required to forgive all men.” If a person takes out a loan from you, and does not repay you, you are required to forgive them and love them, but you are not required to give them another loan. You have the choice to decline their petition. The same is true in marriage relationships. Forgiveness does not equal endlessly enduring broken promises and being abused or taken advantage of. The Lord loves you and you are entitled to a fair deal, where both you and your spouse keep their end of the bargain. “Husband and Wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and their children…Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations…By divine design, Fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation [to these roles]. Extended family should lend support when needed.” (The family: a Proclamation to the World) Behaviors validating divorce or separation are:
- You repeatedly (see D&C 98) break your promises, fail to live up to your marital and parental responsibilities, break temple covenants and will not acknowledge your fault and seek help to change. Responsibilities and Temple Covenants include:
- Having appropriate sexual relations (as mutually agreed upon) with your spouse and not having them with anybody else. A spouse can expect sexual relations 2 or 3 times a week or as mutually agreed upon.
- Live the Word of Wisdom. Do not drink alcohol, coffee, tea or use tobacco and do practice principles of good health. Avoid other addictive behaviors like viewing pornography.
- Sacrifice your time and talents to bless and serve and provide for your family and others, as established by God in The Family: a Proclamation to the World, and as mutually agreed upon. This includes not becoming excessive with hobbies, interests, outside relationships or entertainment to the extent that you neglect your responsibilities and deprive your spouse and children of your companionship (either physically or mentally,) friendship, love and support. (video games, facebook, etc.)
- Upholding family practices of and participation in worship and reverence as mutually agreed upon. This includes what films and other entertainment is allowed in the home as well as prayer, scripture study, church attendance and so forth.
- Having conversation that is uplifting and edifying. This means that you do not speak evil of or degrade/ humiliate/ intimidate/ mock/ or criticize others. It also means that you let others express their thoughts and opinions in an emotionally safe environment. It also means that you express yourself and are willing to talk about and work out problems and do not abuse and manipulate others with your silence. It also means that you express love and praise and approval of others.
Joseph Smith said: “Happiness is the object and design or our existence.” The Lord wants you to be happy. “Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.” (The Family: a Proclamation to the World.) Remember, the Lord wants you to be successful and happy and he knows that you need a partner that will work with you, walk with you, help you, and keep their promises to live up to their responsibilities and covenants. There are circumstances that may require you to divorce your spouse and seek a new partner. In these cases, you can be sure that the Lord will bless you and be with you and help you as you keep your covenants and rely on Him.
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Below this line are behaviors that need to be worked out and do not validate divorce. These are the behaviors that are spoken of as making “that first year hard” for everyone. Sometimes it’s longer, or shorter or delayed or avoided depending on each couple. All marriages require a good deal of give and take and a lot of compromise, getting over it, learning to live with it and eventually not noticing it anymore. Behaviors that are a normal part of all relationships can be categorized as:
- You annoy/ irritate me (you snore, gulp loudly, leave your clothes on the floor, don’t put down the toilet seat, etc.)
- We have different interests (You want to go snow-boarding and I want to go to the ballet, etc.)
- We have different personalities (You avoid confrontation and I just want to get the job done; you are serious and I joke around a lot, etc.)
- We do things differently (I wash the counters with a dish cloth, you use a sponge, etc.)
- We disagree (I want to live in the city, you want to live in the country, etc.)
The purpose of marriage is three-fold: First, to provide you (and me) with a companion and friend with whom we can walk through life and receive strength from and strengthen in our turn; second to provide a safe and stable environment in which children can be brought into the world and reared in love and righteousness; third, to protect against sexual sin. If your marriage is not fulfilling its purpose, and the problems cannot be resolved through counseling or other help (generally because one or both of you are not willing to work toward a resolution and/ or fulfill your marriage covenants) then the Lord will not condemn you for seeking a divorce. “My grace is sufficient for you.” “It is by grace the we are saved, after all we can do.” The Lord loves you, and his hand of grace and mercy will lift you up as you live your covenants and turn to him for help.
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I’m pretty sure I’m the most irreligious God fearing woman I know, but I’m working on it. Sort of. I actually think that God is pretty fond of me the way that I am, he just wants to run me through the fire at a thousand degrees a few hundred times to work out any impurities. It’s awesome. Then he jokes about later, and I laugh, too. “Remember that time you were trying to cross the Mexican border and you were temporarily paralyzed from the neck down and your pants started falling off as your husband dragged you through customs. ha ha ha, ho ho, hee hee hee.” he’s says. “Yeah, I remember,” I reply. “Oh, that was a good one!” and he wipes a tear from his eye.